I can remember many of the bizarre delusions I experienced as a child

flattered into embarrassing myself on the internet

by an attractive young woman who didn’t exist

We all enjoy a lover who waves, blows kisses

reveals their privates and encourages one to jerk off

The use of just about every illicit drug damages the semen

It was only later that I became acquainted with Buddhism

and its emphasis on the universal nature of mind

Like most people I live in a continual state of panic

I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time, but I’m having a great time 

Political conflicts are merely surface manifestations. If conflicts arise you may be sure that certain powers intend to keep this conflict under operation since they hope to profit from the situation. To concern yourself with surface political conflicts is to make the mistake of the bull in the ring, you are charging the cloth. That is what politics is for, to teach you the cloth. Just as the bullfighter teaches the bull, teaches him to follow, obey the cloth.

jet skis are probably not even real


I am 26 years old and I’ve never once had abs
or willingly bought Fresca with money
or stopped a wedding just because

I have never saved the president
from a forgotten foe no longer dormant
they have never rued the day they messed with lady liberty
and the founding fathers
and with me and the president
I have never kicked a person that wasn’t asleep


I still pencil into pools

the best day of my life was last Thursday
I slept on fresh sheets and bought bubble tea
that I finished while petting my dog
in a room full of dying moths

it is later
it is quiet
I am grateful for the friends I do have
for their forgotten queso
for all their dips I forgot to bring out

it has meant alot


Jesus is the Lord of quantum mechanics

and He created the space-time continuum

Each year, the McRib makes a brief visit to Earth

Its arrival elicits reactions ranging from horror to awe

And suddenly we were back in war

which for most of us was a better deal than our real lives

It was wide-ranging and fun

It’s the war, and everybody’s in uniform

and everybody’s entertaining troops

More than a little preoccupied by what gives on the “other side”

I’m about to do some investigating of my own

being and nothingness, death and eternity

the question of the soul and its direction

When people imagined the future, they imagined

flying cars, teleportation devices and robots

In truth, there’s nobody sitting around plotting the future

In the end, everyone and everything in the multiverse is unreliable

In a world where Death Is Cheap

A man has just started shooting

people in a local McDonald’s

Heavily wounded and on the verge of death

an almost dead guy remarks

how dark everything’s getting

"Everything’s goin’ dark…"

Hearts are wrenched

Four-year-olds are traumatized

Grown men are reduced to tears

But when everyone has turned away

his fingers twitch back to life!

There’s a big difference between

mostly dead and all dead

Either way, the fight isn’t over yet

Here comes the dramatic gun cock

to indicate that the tables have turned

Their guns aimed at one another,

ready to shoot, they decide

to have a conversation instead

Unsurprisingly, Mexicans don’t

refer to this as a Mexican standoff

Our team of scientists has just recently discovered

a bare-chested, half-horse half-Santa

you can be confident that something is off balance in the universe

Here’s that part where the self appointed guru

using a cell phone and a laptop

tells you exactly what needs to happen and when

It’s really awesome

But why is it stupid?

Some of us have made a fetish of our stupidity

Two Zen monks search for enlightenment  

through meditation and breakdancing

Talk about alternate planes of existence

Medical exams are administered by machines

A psychotherapist robot doles out valium

and espouses self-help platitudes

A policy that I always try to follow

It’s just like the coloring books you remember

from when you were a kid… except super awesome!

Imagine the 1970s. Now imagine them in space

Prior to that, my hair was crazy

a lovelorn young guy forced to seek out his ex-girlfriend

when he’s diagnosed with chlamydia

My girlfriend always got mad at me because of my ADD

She sways her body gracefully to and fro

on springy hips under a silky tasseled grass skirt

It’s not electronic devices or living in space

that makes it so hard for human beings to connect

Perhaps you can reach nirvana on your commute

Teenagers are still lighting themselves on fire

America is no dreamland to these people

I suppose that with age comes

an increased awareness of death

and of how the world works

and that there is a great deal of sadness in life

And so on

Now think about what would happen if

coming home from another one of these wild pot parties

Anything could happen

Seriously, anything could happen

Teenagers do whatever they feel like doing

making all kinds of ungodly noise

acting sullen and disaffected in public

I guess it just must be fun. I know it’s fun

I always spent a lot of time alone in my room

reading comic books and listening to music

the Jackson Five or the Osmond Brothers

the atmosphere is so 1970s that one might think

the whole thing was an elaborate parody of the 1970s

I have a keen memory of the history of my hair

Whoa! Would you listen to me

I’m starting to sound like a real square

Which is odd, because I’m the least square person I know

First of all, I’m not a Satanist per se

I have no reasons for my rebellion

We are like robots following our instincts

Technology is destroying all of our lives!

the whole booze-soaked, bridge-burning endeavor

sexting moms and porn-addicted kids

stripmall Satanism and New Age self-help books

lascivious starlets and awesome dune buggies

How could you begin to explain these things

It’s hard out there for young, successful writers

passionately enthusiastic about counter-cultural icons

and the liberation they stand for

whose natural superiority made them targets

for persecution from their shaved ape neighbors

That’s one theory, at least

Two things about this: first,

I used to want to be an actress. But I just wasn’t so good at it

Not everybody can do whatever they feel like

There’s still the potential to do something big and weird in the city

So that is pretty fucking fancy I would say

Earth to Charley


Mexican free-tailed bats spiral out of my soul for you!
It’s the mental effort and organisation I respect
The bats are hungry for pests like corn earworm moths
the organisation is a bunch of New York mobsters
sitting around a large rectangular table
 while ominous music plays in the background
pups flap into the night sky
swooping down on people in their underwear at a pool party
Panic ensues from the false news report 
I kill my television and browse the internet
It’s a mad house like Charlton Heston said
Are you taking the night off?
If she’s afro-latina she’s still black
Never mind
I’ll tell you about it in the morning

Scientists think they’ve heard the voice of God

Or they think they’ve heard the voice of angels

Or the voice of aliens, or the voice of devils

A naked bald man sitting in a forlorn alien desert

Hell bent on taking the fun out of everything

Powers up the holographic inferometer

To find out if the universe is a hologram

It was an amateur’s exercise, a one-person parlor game

destroying our only opportunity to understand

whether we exist for research purposes or entertainment

Donald and his nephews
dreaming of buying a lawnmower
and starting their own business
before all the money and
drug problems and glamor

Donald and his nephews
wielding machetes and a noose-gun
The giddiness they display
while committing heinous atrocities
I can’t stop thinking about it

It quickly becomes apparent
that they are a group
of self-absorbed narcissists
selling their souls to the Devil

I would go so far as to say
This is often what makes a comic
so funny in the first place

Veronica Lake, who else


Unicorn arrest warrant
She killed him with an adze
Raskolnikov’s sock
They found him in a wife beater
On Archie Bunker’s chair in the Smithsonian
A relic to Brando, Matt Dillon
Bukowski and all the rest of those fools

The atmosphere was nasty
Muslin dirty maggots larvae
The unicorn’s guts spilt out all over the sofa
As the cops interrogated the suspect

Caught him redhanded
Doing foul things with the unicorn’s horn

Remember the Mapplethorpe, the one with the whip

Where were you the night the unicorn entered your life?
All you can remember is
They were beating a horse
So high that night
You wet the bed and didn’t wake for another week

Prefigurement is everything
You’re damp darling
Is my story turning you on
That much


The important thing to remember when writing a crime novel is
to wait on the lady