Chopped : Liver

Candygram for Mongo

Well, it’s apparently official

The church proposes hitting the road

with their inflatable puppet theater

dressed up as, respectively, a carrot, a banana and a lobster

writhing around with one another on the floor

which sort of took the whole neo-pagan tribal vibe

The press release also mentions

somebody drowning in milk and Froot Loops?

Hold up, I just remembered something important

(His penis-nose waggles around with a mind of its own)

We live in a world that is alarmingly full of sheer awesomeness

curvy blondes in lady police pants

hippies who will fuck anything with a pulse

There is something about them that casts doubts on the validity of reality

but the annoying carnival music drowns out their conversation

Gay Men Draw Vaginas


The dual-lobed Homunculus Nebula

Talk about intergalactic glamor

How could it ever be topped?

It’s not about the music anymore

How did you envision dead cities

The Unauthorized Story of ‘Mork & Mindy’

I’ve got the Repo Man soundtrack on vinyl

So, don’t be so quick to mock my record collection

And not only that but house plants, ashtrays

creepy clown paintings, puke-stained clothes

They all get their moment to shine

The sight of leggy women managing to be sexy

placing small children on the lap of Santa Clause

reminds me why I loved the ’70s so much

Nowadays, people are killed running

towards the DJ booth wielding a broken bottle

How does Transcendental Meditation® improve the sight

of a shopping mall Santa Clause riddled with bullets?

What is brain coherence?

Is there anything less threatening

than a morbidly obese cop on a Segway?

I’m out in the streets chanting

“This is what a police state looks like!”

I define a “bad trip” as frolicking with angels

God has little interest in our IQ tests

An avalanche of shit

is not the eighth wonder of the world 

What about using a thermonuclear device?

It is the only approach which finds favor

in the eyes of those administering research grants

The sight is so impressive that they forget about anything else

You are interested in buying a stranger their coffee

all in the name of healing and spiritual awakening

He is a special little boy who will steal your heart

looking sad at a party and moving magnets around on the refrigerator

He doesn’t even have to say a word for people to suddenly break down in tears

and feel something grow inside of them

Of course, things degenerate from there into drug use and group orgies

You’ve seen enough of these mechanical plots that you get the shorthand

This is a romantic comedy, formulaic by definition

Basically, it’s an empty room and the soundtrack of an audience laughing

There’s something in there that appeals to the lonely guy who exists in all of us

But eventually you have to face up to it somehow

unfurling foreign flags which until the day before had been emblems of your foes


What defines a good artist?

Telephones and telephone bells have always made him uneasy

He’s not sure if he actually believes in the Illuminati

You see his discomfort and panic in such a visceral way

He thought he could take it but couldn’t and has a meltdown about it

I appreciate that things are pretty fucked right now

“Everything Is Fucked” does hold artistic merit

If you are white, you must address your bad rap through irony

This is the Law. It’s beautiful, and his presentation

climaxes with a slide showing something no one else has seen before 



It’s a typical night. And a fucking bomb goes off in your head

A Simple Voodoo Hex Using Common Household Items

When it happened with me back in 1987 I thought maybe I was going crazy

I was greeted by a little person my mom had hired from an adult entertainment agency

Straight up love and warmth and tits and honey

We explore fantasy and shame together in a friendly yet uncomfortable way

At first it was like kaleidoscopic. And then there were pyramids, and then

symbols within the pyramids, and they were melting together

She tells me we need to start looking for a place of our own

so she can move out of her parents’ house

Random numbers and static emanate from the radio

At first I just heard humming clicking noises

but then pictures started to emerge from these sounds

And they’re telling me that what these things can do

is allow for the perception of our unity with all of life


A mutant dove whose wings are now praying human hands

takes on the hippy free spirit persona, complete with an old Volkswagen van

We see the devastating mental breakdown

the attempts to break through amnesia with creepy hypnosis techniques

It all gets pretty graphic

This is another example of people buying into unsupported myths and legends

A “fairy story” for people afraid of death. Why?

In many ways, this is a new golden age of human sacrifice

That probably seems just a little bit excessive, I realize

but I still held down a job even if I was carrying on

a schizophrenic dialogue with my spirit guides

Just kidding. No, I’m not going to get into any of my “tripping stories”

Animal-headed demons snapping their fingers


A 52-year-old librarian and her 15-year-old metalhead boyfriend

who ignites an electrifying passion within her

and who, unbeknownst to her, is actually her half-brother

are forced by extraordinary circumstances to kill or be killed

They panhandle, hitch rides, and crash with total strangers

Generally, in such stories, the person grows and becomes a good person

but this is no gothic ghost story

When the first reports surface of the discovery of four skeletons wrapped in burlap

he walks out of a mental hospital and into the path of an oncoming train

Her demise in the electric chair is prefigured by her abusive

seduction of prostitutes who advertised on Craigslist


Meanwhile, the United States Department of Defense

springs a vicious hit man from a New Age mental hospital

and hires him to kidnap our two soul-mate heroes and kill them

They don’t like them, they resent them and their freedoms and sexualities

But Julie and Peter escape, and are pursued by a group of wild children

whose lives consist of cruel games and petty crimes

Ultimately, it’s a lot of people searching for their dignity

and trying to find any kind of love and affection they can get

And they find it in really fucked up and twisted ways - you know?

It’s all very wonderful and funny and then sad

and then boring and then ultimately you realize, like

Talk about sitting in the background and having to listen

to your dad go on and on and on and on and on

all the while trying to figure out how he came to lose his youth and idealism

I think Popeye brought back flashbacks or bad memories to him

You were once full of so much life

going to parties in a red sequin gown

The throwback ’90s piercings

I noticed you also always have natural breasts

Before I get all weepy, let’s go to the tape

Let’s talk about your smart, funny, wonderful book

of poems shaped like the things they’re about

It was about 500 pages. Way too long!

I wouldn’t read a 500-page book

If this review is speaking to you on some level

it means you’re realizing the truth

The truth is, like you, I’ve got nothing but time

How do you account for the gap in time

between your visit to the rose garden

and your discovery of the body?